Foreign in London: Miriam

I was wrong as a human. My body was bigger than the other children. I was really shy.

I was going often to my grandmother, the mother of my dad. I had a good relation with her. She wasn’t living too far from us so I could go on my own. My uncle, the brother of my father was living there too.

Miriam

In the afternoon when I was 9 years old I was having naps. My uncle was sleeping with me. I can’t tell you how it did happen the first time cause I don’t remember it. It was my fault. I was feeling disgusted of my self. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. I was going to him.
During the abuses I was putting all my feelings on food and you know how grandmothers are, until you are eating everything is fine.
At one point I stopped to eat. The way I look is always been a problem for me because I always been bigger than other kids. I lost a lot of weight really quick. It wasn’t good but people were saying that I was looking good.

Miriam

When I was 16 my father died. I started to put all my feelings again on food.
I remember a feeling of anger. I was as well feel uncomfortable to stay in the same room with my mum. I decided then to go to Terni to study patisserie. It was the first time I was independent. It has been a good experience. After the course I tried to find a job in Italy. I couldn’t found anything.

I came to London a bit pushed by my mother too. “It’s going to be a good experience for you and you will might found a job” she told me. At 19 years old in December I left for London. A month after I left my grandmother died. It has been a huge pain for me. She was somebody I was admire and I will always do. She was an example of life.

Miriam

My uncle died in September 2016. It was like everything I passed through when I was young came back to me. I understood I wasn’t happy.

I went back to Italy for holiday. I was having a conversation with my mum. At the end of it I told her. She started to cry “I knew there was something wrong. Don’t think that’s your fault. Why didn’t you say it?” I didn’t want to destroy all the sacrifices that my father, my mother and my grandmother did. Family come first. They are the only people are going to love you. No matter what. For me this is the most valuable gift. At the end of our lives what does stay are not money or material things but the experiences you had with people. These experiences are the treasure of our soul…I think.

Miriam

Now I said to my self I will do things better. I will try my best at list. I’m on a diet. A proper one. It does helping me feel better with myself. London saved the relationship between my mother and me. Be far away from each other helped. I understood and learnt a lot cause I am on my own in here. You become independent. It wakes you up. I recommend it. Not only here in London but…well anywhere.

 

“My journey” the story of AM.C

I had the privilege to meet this amazing person AM.C and had the opportunity to know her story.
I am glad she opened with me and wanted to share her story with the world.
As her wish I will not publish her name and show the face

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It’s hard to say what happened. I think it was numbers of things to lead me to not like who I was. So it wasn’t just one thing it was lots of things and the feelings of self hate that was so strong I didn’t know what to do with it.

Started of just using blunt things and then it progressing to piece of plastic that were broken.
The feelings, the emotions and thoughts, everything I had while I did it. Didn’t exist. It numbs the emotional pain. For me these were more unbearable than physical pain.
I started to pull the sleeves down. It was really slow to start of with and the thought to use really sharp object haven’t passed my mind. Not at that point.
Then I had a friend that also self harm who gave me a raiser. Once I got that it was an obsession. Constant. I couldn’t be a day without doing it.

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My arm was the start. My legs, my stomach. I got one point where I got to choose a part of the body that wasn’t already cut and that’s why I progressed to the other parts of the body. I liked to find new flesh cause I liked to see it. I liked to watch it. If you do it over already cut flesh… for me wouldn’t have the same impact.

In my brain I deserve it. I’m a bad person. It was numbers of emotions and feelings. All of that became addicted. I supposed it’s the same way you start smoking. You know it’s no good for you but you want a cigarette.
Because I hated my self I really enjoyed hurting my self. So there was enjoyed in it. I was fascinated with the human body. If I was feeling really really bad I could push really hard. When I pushed really hard as I swiped the raiser you can literally see the flesh open up. You can see what is inside. It doesn’t instantly bleed. It takes few second. One it starts it’s really hard to stop…

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I cut my wrist. Cause I wasn’t living at home I was always trying to build a relation ship with my mum. Cause I loved her and missed her but I don’t know. She wasn’t able to have a relationship with me. There was often visits organised by social workers and staff. She just wasn’t show up. One time she basically told me… I can’t even remember what it was. To me was a rejection. It was like she didn’t want anything to do with me and I was 16. The rejection from my mum was… I think was probably one of the only time I cut to die if that make any sense. All the others time it was cuts to relieve. To make living bearable. It was one of only time I remember cutting cause I actually didn’t want to live and that’s why I did cut my wrist.

I remember people telling me “there is a light at the end of the tunnel” and I was just like “there is no light. I can’t see it. It’s too fucking dark”

I never completely stopped until I felt pregnant.
I guess once I felt pregnant and my experience been in care. I knew if I didn’t stop then my child would be probably taken away from me and put into cares and it’s no something I wanted to. So it was having my first child that made me think “ok, I need to stop”.
Not for me but for my child.

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Maybe I did few times in a year after my mum died and then stopped again until I separate from my husband. I didn’t do it straight away after we separated. Must be a year or so after. I guess I was just trying to hold it together and I couldn’t hold it together for much longer. To deal with the pain I had to make pain.

Now i’m not doing it. I don’t feel I need to. I have moments. It’s a pattern when things are difficult it’s the first thing I think to do but just because I think to do it doesn’t mean I do.
I just tell my self now it’s going to pass. The feelings are going to pass. I guess. Tomorrow is a new day and you might not feel the same tomorrow.
Life can be really really tough but it can be also really really nice.

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Just talk. That’s all I say to anybody I know or I come across.
It’s not something you opening discuss. It’s something you hide it like something to be ashamed of. Just find somebody to talk to and don’t give up.